Living Life Without A Mom

I just can’t seem to get motivated today or this week for that matter.  You see, tomorrow- Halloween- marks the 8th Anniversary of my mom’s passing.  Well, I really hate to call it an anniversary.  I think of anniversaries as being something happy and joyous like a marriage or the amount of time since you quit smoking – not a death.  But, be that as it may…it’s still tomorrow and I’m not happy about it.

My mom and me

My mom was only 43  when she passed away quickly and unexpectedly from undetected pneumonia.  I was 23,  had a 18 year old sister in High School and a 5 year old brother in Kindergarten at the time as well.  She was sick for only 13 days with cold-like symptoms.  Woke up one morning and couldn’t hardly move, went to the hospital around noon and died at 9:52pm that night.  Didn’t even see it coming.  She just stopped breathing. The pneumonia wasn’t even detected until AFTER she died.  Horrible.  Just horrible.

I lived 8 hours from home at the time and was working on moving back with my boyfriend – who is now my husband, Brian.  Thank goodness I  had a flight scheduled that next day to go home to surprise mom and bring her home from the hospital and help out for the weekend.  Little did I know I would be spending the flight home numb and in shock.

The days that followed were a blur.  It was so horrible and  I truly believe I blocked out the next year.  I actually celebrated my brothers birthday with him being a year younger than he was for the next 5 years.  He didn’t have the heart to tell me that he was actually a year older each time he came to visit and we’d buy a cake and stick one less candle on it then he deserved.  You can imagine how horrible I felt for this.  I can honestly say, that losing my mom was the hardest and most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through in my life.  I can only imagine that losing a child or my husband would be harder.  Something I pray I will never find out about.

It’s hitting me harder this year.  Harder than it has in a long time.  I think that in recent years past, I’ve always had something going on.  I was pregnant, had a new baby, a new job or was moving into a new home.  Always something to distract me.  But, this year – it’s just me and my family living our life.

It’s a good life and I think that is why it is upsetting me so much.  I miss my mom and want her to be here with me – to spend time with us and enjoy the kids.  I’m selfish.  I want her here to help me be a good mom like she was to me and my sister and brother.  I want her advice on getting the kids to sleep or what to eat.  I want her to listen to me complain about how tired I am and how I need a break sometimes, only for her to remind me how she did it for years and understands.  I want to ask her about her pregnancies and births, if  why my children do certain things because I did them that way as a child.  It’s not fair.  It’s not fair for any mother to not have her mother here to help her raise her children and be a grandmother to them.

I know that my mom would be a very hands on, involved in our daily life, kind of grandparent.  There is no doubt in my mind!  My mom was the very best mother and my very best friend.  I know that she is here with us daily in spirit, but I miss her here in life. Most days I catch a glimpse of her….a Neil Diamond song comes on at the perfect time that I need her, I come across a sentimental trinket that I didn’t remember I had or I see someone in the store for just one brief second that looks exactly like her – and I know she’s right here.

Our last family picture - Me, mom, my sister, brother and step-dad

Just this week…I had this idea to look up Smother’s Brothers wine to see if they still made it.  My mom was a HUGE Smother’s Brothers fan and met them many times in her life.  She had one of their earlier bottles of wine that they had signed and I have it now.  It’s unopened and will remain that way.  But, I thought it would be nice to have a glass this year on the day she passed away.

So, I consulted Google – and found the only vineyard that carried it and gave them a call.  I was pleased and surprised to hear that they did and could send it to me!  As the  gentleman went through the years they had in stock – he came to 2001, the year my mom passed away.  He proceeded to tell me that this was the “best year the wine was ever made”.  It was a very pure and complete wine.  There was no mixing of grapes that year -  only pure Cabernet grapes.  “This was also the last year it was ever made”, he told me.  My body had chills and my eyes welled up with tears.  How ironic is it that the very best and last year this wine was ever made was also the last year my mom was here on earth?!   Needless to say…I have 3 bottles of the finest Smother’s Brothers wine on it’s way to my house.

I know that some years when this day comes around it will be harder than others, but I am so grateful I have my family to be here with me and make new happy memories for Halloween.  This year, we’re having chili and pumpkin carving with some of my husband’s family and my sister.  We’re also going Trick or Treating later in the evening.  I know we’ll have fun.  My children bring such joy to my life, it’s hard to not have a good time.

So, this year, I’ll raise a glass to my mom and we’ll talk about all the fun times and great memories we have and I’ll probably shed a few tears. I will be thinking a lot about my mom and hating that she’s not here to enjoy the day with us but I will know she’s watching and enjoying it from above.

She’s so missed….